Some regrets I have about my apocalypse compound.

I just wanted a way to escape what the Poors had to deal with!

I am a billionaire who built a compound to survive the apocalypse, and sometimes I regret it.

My billions came from making algorithms to determine when people were getting slightly less productive at work so their bosses could immediately fire them. This made it easy for me to figure out when society was just about to collapse into chaos.

When I saw news about viral outbreaks, climate disasters, everybody getting laid off because they were too sick and hungry to work, and other billionaires making compounds, I knew it was time for me to make my own.

My compound is hundreds of miles away from civilization. It’s self-powered, has its own water treatment plant, and also a roller coaster — so I can escape the apocalypse in the style I’ve grown accustomed to.

And when reports started showing people dying from starvation, fighting for resources, and suffering as a terrible famine started to spread globally, I knew it was time to split.

But right away, things started going wrong.

After the pilot landed my helicopter he said he couldn’t leave; my compound didn’t have any fuel for his return trip. Regret number one!

Then, a few weeks later as the famine forced people to leave their homes, they started showing up on my property. Luckily my roller coaster goes around the perimeter of my compound, and the fence around the coaster keeps the famine refugees out.

But now they’ve made a huge camp next to my fence! I thought I could enjoy seclusion in peace, riding my coaster, until I caught a glimpse of some kids flipping me off as I went through the loop-the-loop. So, regret number two — all the starving people staring at me.

Plus the refugee camp tapped into my Wi-Fi somehow so now my signal is super weak! One of my main goals during this famine was to set a new personal record for watching Scarface non-stop. It’s super frustrating when the signal drops out, and then I have to talk to the pilot because I can’t tell him I’m busy, watching Scarface!

Even without Wi-Fi I still get texts from friends who don’t have their own compounds. So, of course I silenced my phone entirely. It was really depressing seeing texts like, “My whole family is starving!” and, “Can we please stay with you?” I already have a whole pilot living with me, so no.

And then they get mad when I tell them they can stay at the encampment outside. It’s like, fine — refuse my charity!

I have to say though, my biggest regret is that I can’t seem to buy any food anymore. Sure I saw reports about the famine on television and Twitter, plus you know the whole “refugees camped outside” situation — but I figured people were just suffering because they weren’t billionaires with a compound, like me.

But now even I can’t get my nutritional meal-replacement shakes delivered via drone! The company had to lay off all the workers at their production plant because they were getting too sick to work (though, they did thank me for my algorithm).

So I want to warn any billionaires out there thinking about going to their compounds to ride out this apocalypse: Try to enjoy the life you have now. Because when it’s Go Time you’re gonna get so many texts from sad, desperate people back at home saying, “If only we’d been taxed a little more!” or, “Maybe ensuring the world’s resources were fairly and ethically distributed could have prevented this?”

I mean if it were that easy then wouldn’t the greatest minds of the world have come up with that solution already? I never heard Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos say anything about how taxing them more would prevent catastrophes. So I’m skeptical.

Uh oh, I gotta go! The pilot is talking to the refugees and I think they’re plotting to take over my compound. Good thing this place also comes with an underground bunker!

Writer, Illustrator. You've seen me at @tnyshouts, @The_Belladonnas, @thetoast, @queenmobs, @mcsweeneys, marissamaciel.com

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