How To Stop Being Interrupted

If someone interrupts you, stand up and cup your hands over your eyes. When they have finished, say, “I’ve never surrendered my thoughts to a more capable medium before. That was amazing. Namaste.”

If someone interrupts you, look inside their soul. Tell everyone what darkest fears this offending person holds in his heart. “Michael is afraid to die alone.” Brush your hair through your fingers, and continue where you left off.

If you’re interrupted, immediately fall to the ground and lose consciousness. Do this repeatedly.

When interrupted, crawl under the table. Lie down on your back, place your feet against the underside of the table and lift the table off the floor just a few centimeters. Place it down again, gently. Come out and sit down, and continue talking.

Draw the face of the person who is interrupting you on a piece of paper; use your fingers to tear out the mouth area. When they’ve stopped talking, hold it up to your face and start talking again.

When you’re interrupted, bring out a teacup and saucer. Hand it to your interrupter. When they stop talking, tell them you’d like a cup of their Constant Comment. When nobody gets this, start talking again.

When someone interrupts you, stop talking. Smile the biggest smile your face can contort, and say — quietly at first — “Lightning strikes.” Say it a little louder, “Lightning strikes!” Finally, clap your hands once and say with a trembling voice, “Ohhhhh.” When they’ve finished, wipe your brow and slap your thigh. “Golly,” you’ll say. “Gol-ly.”

As you’re interrupted, murmur to the person next to you (or yourself), “What did I say?” “What did I say,” you keep asking, afraid of your own powers. “Oh my god, what did I just say?” Hold your hair in your white-knuckled fists. “Please, just don’t let me do this again. If I start talking and it makes you want to talk, just fight against me. You’re strong, I can tell. Just, try. For me.”

After you’ve been interrupted, lean towards the interrupter and whisper, “You’ve played right into my hands.” Lean back, smile, and say, “How very like you.”

This was originally published on my blog, Steelwoolens.

Writer, Illustrator. You've seen me at @tnyshouts, @The_Belladonnas, @thetoast, @queenmobs, @mcsweeneys, marissamaciel.com

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